I've been very worried.
See... it happened like this: Back a few weeks ago (like... 6 I think?) we were with our church small group up at Smith Lake. I got up early that morning for what I thought was going to be a fairly easy 25 mile run. Easy in the sense I was going to take it easy and felt no fear that I couldn't/wouldn't finish it. At mile 8 I turned around, realizing that I didn't want to spend all day out running when I had friends and a wife sitting at the lake having fun and just generally not breaking their bodies down.
I knew something was wrong around 15 when I couldn't run but for a few feet at a time without just completely feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.
At 18 I was finally back at the house and feeling so completely dejected that I just kind of sat on the dock and stared at the water for a while. I'm sure I was talking with everyone there and laughing and carrying on, but I was really just inside my head staring at the water thinking it'd be easier for me to run 100 miles on it than on a road or worse a trail. That's about when I stopped posting.
I also stopped running. I'd run a few miles, maybe 3-4 on a day I had 12-15 scheduled. I slept in on Saturdays and Sundays, with 0 miles total run. I realized how much I missed having Saturday to do stuff, even house stuff or chores.
It doesn't help somewhere in there I got a slight cold, and for whatever reason I haven't really shaken it - maybe cause the Doctor hasn't figured it out - maybe cause I haven't gone to a doctor... who knows why this stuff happens?!? But that gave me an excuse. I sorta feel sick - cough cough - I'd better not run today either.
So I broke the news to my wife. I said, I don't think I can do this. I really don't think that I will be able to finish this. I even went as far as to say that I wasn't sure God was helping me with this...
And she surprised me, she said I needed to keep going. Now, don't misunderstand, I'm not saying I expected her to tell me to quit or that I think she's a quitter, as she unequivocally is not. But I guess I was expecting that nurturing answer of "ok dear, if you think you need to, do it..." She suggested I just keep going, training as if I'm going to attempt it, right up until the day. Then wake up that day, go as far as I can, and see how far that is. I started the but... but... but... if I don't finish it'll feel like I've wasted the money... and she reminded me that if I quit without starting I've still wasted the money. Then I think it was she who said, I wasn't going to disappoint anyone if I don't finish.
That hit hard.
I hadn't really put it in those terms before.
I admitted to my pastor a while back that I know, in my heart, I'm doing this to give glory to the Lord. He is the only reason my legs work; that I have air to breath in while I attempt this craziness. But I get really uncomfortable when someone mentions it or if my wife brings it up with anyone else. Whoever they are get this weird smile of what I assume is amazement and surprise (that whole, yes, I know I don't look like a runner...). I then stumble a little and let the praise fall on me for a second before I realize it's not me, and typically I've missed the opportunity to bring up Who it's for actually. I did realize that on that terrible 18/25 miler up near the lake, I start out thinking it's me that's doing this, and when my body is finally broken enough that I'm ready to give up, I give it over to Jesus and it's as if it gets easier and I'm still moving way past where I should have stopped. So since then I've found it easier, much easier, to talk about why I'm doing this. But there still must be some of me in it if I'm worried I'm going to let y'all down.
I sit here writing this and I think about all of it and this is what comes to mind. My crossing the finish line doesn't bring any more glory to the Lord than my being able to start it. Assuming I'm still breathing on November 3rd, it's just God's will that it be so, and if on the next day I crawl across a line 100 miles away, again, that is His will.
There are a few things I've learned over the last several years running on roads and trails. Pick your feet up, for one. You'd be surprised how often the trail reaches out and tries to trip you if you don't pick your feet up! (Also beneficial for avoiding trail Tourette's, that undeniable curse word that flies out immediately after tripping on a rock or root) Walk the uphills... seems pretty simple until you think you're running too slow and walking is even worse! But most of all, don't quit on the uphills. I've only dropped out of one race in my running career. It wasn't on an uphill. The thought of quitting is so much easier when you're struggling to get up this current hill. The trick is to tell yourself that you'll let yourself quit at the top of the hill. The reason this is a trick is cause by the time you're at the top of the hill you're so happy you overcame it that usually you keep going and before long the thought of quitting is in the past just like that hill.
My amazing wife reminded me, don't quit on the uphill.
Welcome back! Speaking for myself, I can't imagine a scenario where I would be disappointed in you. God gave you a special ability. Most people could never get out of bed on a random Saturday morning thinking 25 miles would be an easy task. Maybe more could than would actually try but for sure, I am not one of those that could. I will cheer you on as far as you go. Whether that's three more days or three more months.
ReplyDelete